Homeschooling after infant loss

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Permalink Reply by Karen Murphy Corr on January 1, 2011 at 6:13pm

Hi Elizabeth. I don't homeschool but we lost our fifth child, George, during labour in May 2009. He was full-term and healthy - it was likely cord compression that claimed him. Losing a baby is devastating, as you know, and remember that you are also a post-partum mum. I finally said to people in the August after George had died in May (I felt just as you describe - I was on autopilot - just getting through each day and meeting the children's needs but in a fog) - remember that I'm a post-partum mum with all of the hormones and none of the perks. I had to realize it for myself really. Have you joined our bereaved parents group here? There are quite a few of us who have lost infants for various reasons and personally I've found connecting with other bereaved mothers a huge help. I've also posted about Morning Light Ministry - a Catholic ministry for bereaved parents who have lost infants up to one year - and other links to resources. If you want to message me privately you are welcome to - and I'm on Facebook. I'm thinking of you and praying for you and your family. I'm so very sorry for the loss of Jedidah. (((Hugs)))

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Permalink Reply by MT Martin on January 1, 2011 at 7:49pm

I am so sorry.  I know that's lame in the face of such a tragedy, but truely I ache for you and your family.  We lost our Elijah Noble at 31 weeks June 5th 2010.  He was stillborn. We have four children at home and three school.  I wanted to school just to feel something "normal" but it was not possible.  I read to them alot.   We prayed alot, and read Scripture, especially about Elijah.  The numb auto pilot feeling lasted awhile.  I still feel numb in a lot of ways, even now.  During the first, I don't know 2-3 months, we all seemed to just hang on to going through the motions.  And I still look at Elijah's picture and wonder how can this be real, how could this be our reality?  I guess what I'm hoping to say is that I think I know what your describing and it will get better bit by bit.  The day will come when you'll realize today was less "autopilot" than yesterday.  Hope to hear from you,  MT

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Permalink Reply by elizabeth arendale on January 2, 2011 at 12:20am

I think reading aloud is a good idea. We will probably lean on that a good bit. I'm thinking that we will at least do math- that will be my one structured/no budging thing. But everything else will be read alouds. History, religion, etc.
I'm glad to hear the auto-pilot thing gets better. It's just so strange for me.

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Permalink Reply by Karen Murphy Corr on January 2, 2011 at 5:56pm

MT's suggestions all sound so good to me. Our baby died in May and then we moved to a new city - we'd bought a house - at the end of June. So we lost our support network and all their friends....I just clung to routine. Breakfast. Out with the dog. Snack. Playing. Lunch. So on.... I'd have the older boys do math sheets to earn computer time I remember. I don't know if either of you have heard from anyone about post-traumatic stress syndrome. I blogged about it because shortly after we moved here we met our neighbours up the road - and he is an Anglican priest and trauma psychologist. The forgetfulness, the fog, it's all PTSD. One of the other women in my little local infant loss group, whose baby had Trisomy so she knew the prognosis was bleak, was diagnosed with it as well. Rev Dave put it well - he said no mother can be prepared for the loss of a child - the shock of it can be the same as for a soldier to lose a comrade. Do you have the Angel Instead (We were gonna have a baby but we had an angel instead) book for your children? It's published by Griefwatch and it was gifted to us - such a lovely little storybook with charming drawings and very gentle wording about grief. It doesn't minimize children's grief - it helps them understand that different family members will grieve in different ways. We read that book just about every day that summer and my older boys would often go get it off the sideboard and read it to themselves. We also made sure we went to all the little free programs at the local library - science rocks, music, authors reading - just to get us out and about. Thank goodness for our dog, really, because we had to get out to walk the puppy - I could have stayed in or kept the boys playing in the backyard. Rev Dave said the numbness is our brains protecting ourselves - we can only take in so much at a time - the memories flood back - then your brain shuts off a bit to protect you. I still have to do the ERMD treatment (I always get that acronym incorrect) with him. It helps to put the memories as memories - right now I relieve the shock of losing George rather than remember it. My friend in the infant loss group did the treatment and said it's very helpful. She homeschools actually so I can ask her for ideas for you as well because her loss was just last March - and followed a terrible trauma for their family the year before when her husband received a letter bomb that wasn't meant for him (he survived - but you can imagine). So she's had two dreadfully hard years and may have some thoughts to share with you directly related to the homeschooling. (((Hugs)))

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Permalink Reply by MT Martin on January 2, 2011 at 7:14pm

I thought about you alot last night Elizabeth.  I tried to remember what that initial time was like.  The pain, the numb blindness...I was just lost and so trying not to be lost.  Its surprising to me how much of the first few months are really hard to sequence and detail in my mind.  I checked my records to see when did we start to school again and it was just before a month had past.  Honestly I don't know what I was thinking.  It took one week to realize I couldn't do a full schedule.  I use mostly Mother of Divine Grace stuff and have a syllabus/planner.  The second week back on we split the schedule in half and did half one week half the next. We reviewed our memory work and stuff like that, too.   It was enough to give us stability and not work me over to much.  The kids could do alot without me hands on all the time.

  It continues to be  easy for me to discount how really tramatic losing Elijah was and still is.  For instance last week my youngest got out of the bath and his skin was cold.  I was drying him off and feeling his skin brought it ALL back.  Literally I almost fell over.  It comes out of the blue like that now.  I never know what's going to start it and there's nothing to do but let it wash over.

 Don't take advantage of yourself.  Chances are like most moms you can "do it all" but right now you really don't have to do it all and still be very productive.  That's my two cents, take it for all it's worth.  I'm praying for you and yours.  MT

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Permalink Reply by Ann Marie Henninger on January 14, 2011 at 1:22am

Remember your children are still homeschooling, still learning, even if not in the way they are accustomed to - or the way YOU are used to homeschooling them.  I have to remind myself that our kids have learned so much since Gianna's birth and death.

I am supposed to be starting back to hs work next week, but I am not putting the pressure on myself to do it - this year may be an unschooling year, and that is okay.

I am so sorry for the death of your son - I read your blog when he was born.  It was good for me to read other Catholic moms' stories.

Ann Marie, AM

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